I'm a divorced father of three teen boys, two of which live with me and one with his mom. The boy's and I spend time hunting, fishing, camping, motocross racing and many other family and recreational activities. Splitting up the family as we did with the material things, pushed the children into picking sides which left many hard feelings between them, difficult to overcome. I have seen what divorce can do to families. Living it tears my heart out! They say there are no victims in divorce, which is a whole story in itself. I'll share some thoughts on this in the future.

Not long ago, I was in a time in my life when I needed answers and help. I didn't know where to turn! I was in deep pain and just wanted to die! I was going through a broken relationship which ultimately lead to a bitter divorce. After I petitioned for divorce, it took two years, five attorneys, and our life savings to reach the final hearing. This is not something I would want anyone to go through. My hope is that our divorce be an example, not the rule, of what might be experienced by anyone choosing this way out of a hopeless marriage relationship. Also, I share my story to be an example that someone who, so broken and wants to end their life, can be saved from a "tragedy in life, in this case...DIVORCE!" There is HOPE!

Throughout this story I may change perspectives as I re-live some of it, which may be slightly difficult to follow at times. This story is a hard one to share openly.

My nightmare started one night, not out of the ordinary. I went to bed, put my arm around my wife, gave her a kiss and said good night. She gently removed my arm. I asked her what's wrong? She said, "I don't love you any more." I replied, "just like that?!" I got out of bed, and paced from wall to wall in disbelief. I asked if she was having an affair, her reply was, "that's not the point,...I just don't love you." This hit me like a ton of bricks! I was stressed to the max. I had spent the last 13 months building our new ranch home with blood and sweat, working a full time job, running a part time business, seeing that daddy was available, and fulfilling a leadership commitment with the Cub Scouts. I slept on the couch for months trying to figure this out while working on reconciling our relationship.

November rolled around, deer hunting in Wisconsin. My brother wanted the boy's and I to come up hunting at his cabin. After some thought, I said yes. I felt it would give me time to talk to him and allow time to read the book, "Rebuilding When The Relationship Ends." My brother was the first person I turned to when my heart was crushed. He wasn't much help though...saying "I don't know what to tell you," over and over while I was in tears fearing so many uncertainties.

It was traditional that the wives would come up to deer camp Thanksgiving Day to have dinner with the men and children. Within a few days after hunting season, guilt overwhelmed her. She admitted to having an affair. I started shouting, "you let me sleep on the couch all this time without telling me?!" After accepting it, I asked who it was with? No answer. Days later, out of nowhere, she said "do you really want to know?, it's someone you know and I don't want you to hate him!" You can imagine where this lead me, I was going crazy! Asking my friends and neighbors. They thought I was going nuts! I thought so too, or was certainly getting there! Then it all came together on my way to work that day. The cell phone bill with my brothers work numbers repeatedly on it, finding her delivering Avon to his house when my sister in law wasn't home, catching her in his workshop, the invite to go deer hunting when I was in deep pain and confusion, him saying "I don't know what to tell you." I asked myself how could this be? Is it true? My two best friends in the world! I questioned which of the two tore out my heart worse? Why would they be willing to give up everything, two marriages, two homes, friends and family, and all the dreams we had worked so hard for?

I left home that night and slept at work in my truck. I cried most of the night thinking about everything. We had so much to lose. After hours of gasping and shaking uncontrollably...I said, "God, please make this go away, make the pain stop, God take me, take me!" Not long after this I was able to fall asleep. I woke up feeling different. Like my life suddenly had a purpose again. I was to be there for the children, they needed me. I knew this, somehow! I was unable to function that day and took off work. I returned home to find out that the children cried all night thinking I was dyeing. They didn't know or understand why I left or why I was sleeping on the couch. My heart was entirely in the children from this day forward, not in the hope of rebuilding the marriage. I had to accept that she had made her mind up years before and wasn't going to change it now.

After she moved out I thought things would get better. I served papers needing closure. We attended sessions of professional counseling, both separate and with the children. My worst nightmare came true. Her and my brother began to fight me for full custody of the children. She took me to court for a temporary order, receiving over half my income for about 10 months. They nor the court cared that I didn't have enough to make the house payment or to pay other bills. I lost the house in foreclosure and found myself trying to find a place to live using less than half of what I earned. I searched for months and found nothing I could afford. God came through! I found a house ready to be moved onto a foundation. A duplex that was cut in half and made into two separate houses. I offered to build and finish it for the owner in exchange for allowing me to live there for a while. He said sure. So we worked out the details. I moved in with a friend for a few months while getting the house livable. Technically I didn't have a home, so my wife and brother took the children away from me legally. I was only allowed visitation a few hours a week. I asked myself, "how much more can I take!" My strength wasn't mine, if it were, I would have given up long ago. The house was a shell but livable one week before school started. With much help, I moved in. Went to court, got an order, and the children where returned to me. Through all this the children have acquired a strong hate for their mother and uncle.

To increase the pain in my life my sister, one year younger than I, died of cancer in November, 1998 - - then my mothers passing in October, 1999.

Several things helped me understand, accept, forgive and heal. The Word of God, DivorceCare classes and tapes, Small Group Bible Studies and professional counseling through church and private faith based practices. Talking with others in similar situations helped immensely! Choosing a life in Christ gave me the ability to forgive them. Not for them but for me! Forgiveness to set me free! I have heard stories about other divorce's where the dumped have turned to sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, and even murder to deaden the pain or get even. I chose God through Jesus to heal from my pain. I have made many poor choices in my life but this choice is the best one I ever made! My journey is one that I will share to help others, even with people I don't know. The message is that important!

My brother has left my ex-wife struggling with their newborn child, which they didn't chose to have. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby. He has aged years in several months and barely survived a recent heart attack.

Since being saved by God's grace, I have taken several views and asked myself several questions. To see this I had to heal first, explore and accept who I was then and now, and why. I asked myself what part did I have in my wife choosing to leave the relationship. As you have read, I worked to much and to hard. I was over committed, taking on more than I could handle. I had no time for her while building the house, my business and tending all the other irons in the fire. Resentment reared its ugly head in silence. I was to busy or tired to notice and made little time to meet her needs. The past is the past, we can only advance our lives if we chose to. We need to face our faults, mistakes, inadequacies, insecurities and learn from them. There are many lessons and experiences in my life to embrace and share. I have left my shame at the foot of the cross. From that point forward, I have reacted from a Christian perspective, which is to embrace what little family I have left. As for my brother, we don't speak by his choice. God has prepared me for more losses and trying times ahead. I wont face these days alone!

As I look back from childhood to this day, I see how my life and choices have affected my relationships. This has lead to a strong will and commitment to improve them by accepting that I needed to change. I am not alone in facing personal and relational issues and tragedies.

Late at night is when many issues came to mind. In my effort to reach out for help I searched the Internet. This was a total loss. I found myself in chat rooms and message boards. Few were for men seeking healing, and many had gender bashing going on. This wasn't what I needed or what I was looking for. I knew I needed to heal and pick up the pieces of my life, knowing only then can I be there for our children. I have found that involvement in something positive is part of the healing process and have committed my life to Christ. I know that everything leading up to this day, has brought me to share my painful experiences with others through some form of media and public speaking. Knowing what I was looking for while going through the healing process, gives me the knowledge of what may help others improve relationships before they become irreconcilable differences. Knowing I can not do this alone, God has brought many people into my life. I do not question why. We have similar values and passion for our families and friends. Together we can create a ministry to help others build and improve relationships and to Glorify God in the process. I help not from a college degree but from my own life experiences and willingness to claim the enormous value in my errors and share them with anyone willing to listen who share similar relational values.

I have found it in my heart to help my ex-wife. I have tried to strengthen her from her relational loss with my brother and the addition of a newborn child (the daughter she always wanted). I can't help seeing the circle forming here. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Her mistakes and choices are hers' to own. No larger or smaller in Christ than mine are. All can be forgiven if we ask to be forgiven and chose to walk in the light. I found hope in a relationship with Jesus! He is the bridge to unconditional Love and fulfillment.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story with you. I left out many painful details but they are not important. Truth is, they really do not matter. The only thing that matters is to live every day as though it may be your last. To close I'll ask one question. Have you ever seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul trailer? We can spend a lifetime building material things when the very important "little things" slip through un-noticed and un-appreciated.

Make time to look inward and build the relationships near and dear to your heart. It is all that truly matters. When everything material is gone, relationships are all we have left.

God bless,
Scott LaMay

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